Or at least over things that I can actually do something about is the dumbest thing my brain enjoys putting me through. At the end of last
Now I know it’s dumb thinking this way but when it seems your friends and people on the internet seem to be getting boyfriends and moving on with their lives and we all know that on-line nothing is that perfect but it just really got me down and I honestly started feeling a bit hopeless like these things are never gonna happen to me and I’m 2 years off 40 and yes apparently the end of the world is nigh. So I got to a point where I was thinking about it not just being single but everything else in my life and I actually did a bit of mindfulness meditation which helped me shift the view a little bit as I hate being a ball of self-pity it honestly doesn’t do anything for me or anyone for that matter especially when you realise you can actually do some things about it.
The thing that has been getting to me the most is yes being single and being broke. I actually chose to be single though yeah I miss hugs and stuff it’s hard to meet people when your overweight (yes I’m trying to do something about it) and have social anxiety which has not helped since the last relationship I was in the guy treated me like an idiot or at least that’s how I felt when I found out he was wanting his cake and eat it too if you get where I’m coming from. But you know something I reminded me how I felt at the time and was determined to get with on with my life and do things so not sure where that spirit has gone so yes I need to get back on that track a little more. Not that I’ve stopped trying god knows it’s nearly been 10 years since I met my ex and I’ve done a hell of a lot since then I just kinda getting stuck and yeah it erks me as it kind of reminds me of how I see my life a lot which is shitty a lot of the time which a part of me knows isn’t true but when I get low I seem to convince myself that it is. (If that makes sense to anyone please comment).
For being broke you know what I need to get over my anxiety with sending things through the post and I KNOW it’s the only thing that is stopping me from doing this and that’s selling my canvases and photography on-line. Now the photography is doable. I can print them off at home for a start and send them through the royal mail in do not bend envelopes but then canvases are another thing and the whole do I send them through the royal mail or other I KNOW it’s irrational but if I got over this then I’d be able to use the money to invest into some new camera equipment I mean that’s the ultimate plan will just have to go through god knows how many art pieces I have and lot are probably unfinished stuff as that’s what I’m mostly good at and probably why I want to go down the photography route more than actually painting stuff.
This is the way it all goes in my head at times and it’s easy for people to say just do it but my social anxiety often bothers me in such ways that are unbearable. I mean I don’t have 100% on eBay for not worrying about packaging and stuff specially when they are funko pops I get how anal people can be about things like boxes ( I really need to do more on funko pops on here since I collect them! I’m just trying to sort my collection out a little bit first as I’m running out of space) .
I honestly hope that one day my brain settles down and realises that it’s not needed all this doubt. I know people may read this and think that I’ve lost it well the thing is I’ve had it worse this is just the “norm” for me at the moment. Hopefully won’t be the norm for long things need to be done and I need some cash!
So there you go!
Until the next time my darlings!